I Natasha Khanum will always be the little fat girl.
I was not born skinny. There was not a stage in my where I was thin. Throughout my kindergarten, primary school, secondary school, and even now, i've alwayas had issues with weight.
I started worrying about my weight at the age of 9. I started dieting at 9 years old. Everyone around me told me i was fat(except my family of course, but then again, my family proabably saw me through a slimming glass.) I'd just try not to eat, try to stop eating chocolates, I mean..i'd just try. It's hard to not eat candy at 9 years old. At the age of 9, i told myself by 12, i'd be thin. Then at the age of 12, i said by 16, i'll be thin. And at the age of 16, i told my self, for my 18th birthday I'd be fabulous! Then on my 18th birthday, I said...hmm..no no....on my 21st birthday I'd have a smokin body!!! And here I am, at the age of 22,still 'bestowed' with a belly that'll make a hippo jealous! I just want, that one day, where I'll look at myself and say "I'm here, precisely the way I always wanted my body to be."
It annoys me, for I have realised every day, EVERY FREAKING DAY, I wake up and the first thought that comes to my mind is how fat I am. I hate to take a shower. Really. It just disgust me. I try not to look at myself in the mirror. I look down, I see my belly, and it makes me depress. Taking a shower makes me depressed. Somethings wrong with me.
I'm your average girl. I don't overeat. I don't indulge in chocolates or ice cream like crazy!
Maybe i do occasionally, but hey! So does the skinny bitch! She eats for 3 and she's still skinny. This depression has escalated up to a point where I actually feel like stabbing my self in the belly hoping fats just fall out!
I do stage performances, and it aches my heart everytime I hear a director say, "Natasha, can you lose a bit off weight before the show?" or "Hey you're fat la, you must cut down."
Cut down on what really?! EATING TOTALLY!?!? I'm so angry and sad!!! I'm at a point where I'm so lost! I don't know if I wanna cry it out or just laugh at the stupidity off it all. I'm a 22 year old, 158cm in height, weighing 58kgs. I used to work out like crazy!!! every morning I'd be in gym. I dropped to 54kgs....and of course ballooned up to 58kg again..where i'm currently at. Its frustrating.
Since the age of 9, i've been so sad about my weight, and at this point, i still have not achieved anything. The pain in my heart is just horrible. It makes me feel so horrible. No one understands me. It is not easy, to grow with the world showing you that you are fat and you not being able to do anything about it. I know I should be happy for what I have in my life, and this is not big deal, but why does it hurt so much??? Why does it bother me so much. I'm greatful for eveything in mylife. But this, it bothers me, since I was a little girl, this has never left me. I want it to just go! I want the insecurity to just leave!!!