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I Natasha Khanum will always be the little fat girl. I was not born skinny. There was not a stage in my where I was thin. Throughout my kindergarten, primary school, secondary school, and even now, i've alwayas had issues with weight. I started worrying about my weight at the age of 9. I started dieting at 9 years old. Everyone around me told me i was fat(except my family of course, but then again, my family proabably saw me through a slimming glass.) I'd just try not to eat, try to stop eating chocolates, I mean..i'd just try. It's hard to not eat candy at 9 years old. At the age of 9, i told myself by 12, i'd be thin. Then at the age of 12, i said by 16, i'll be thin. And at the age of 16, i told my self, for my 18th birthday I'd be fabulous! Then on my 18th birthday, I said...hmm..no no....on my 21st birthday I'd have a smokin body!!! And here I am, at the age of 22,still 'bestowed' with a belly that'll make a hippo jealous! I just want, that one day, where I'll look at myself and say "I'm here, precisely the way I always wanted my body to be." It annoys me, for I have realised every day, EVERY FREAKING DAY, I wake up and the first thought that comes to my mind is how fat I am. I hate to take a shower. Really. It just disgust me. I try not to look at myself in the mirror. I look down, I see my belly, and it makes me depress. Taking a shower makes me depressed. Somethings wrong with me. I'm your average girl. I don't overeat. I don't indulge in chocolates or ice cream like crazy! Maybe i do occasionally, but hey! So does the skinny bitch! She eats for 3 and she's still skinny. This depression has escalated up to a point where I actually feel like stabbing my self in the belly hoping fats just fall out! I do stage performances, and it aches my heart everytime I hear a director say, "Natasha, can you lose a bit off weight before the show?" or "Hey you're fat la, you must cut down." Cut down on what really?! EATING TOTALLY!?!? I'm so angry and sad!!! I'm at a point where I'm so lost! I don't know if I wanna cry it out or just laugh at the stupidity off it all. I'm a 22 year old, 158cm in height, weighing 58kgs. I used to work out like crazy!!! every morning I'd be in gym. I dropped to 54kgs....and of course ballooned up to 58kg again..where i'm currently at. Its frustrating. Since the age of 9, i've been so sad about my weight, and at this point, i still have not achieved anything. The pain in my heart is just horrible. It makes me feel so horrible. No one understands me. It is not easy, to grow with the world showing you that you are fat and you not being able to do anything about it. I know I should be happy for what I have in my life, and this is not big deal, but why does it hurt so much??? Why does it bother me so much. I'm greatful for eveything in mylife. But this, it bothers me, since I was a little girl, this has never left me. I want it to just go! I want the insecurity to just leave!!!
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It's 10.39am on a bright Thursday morning. I'm sitting in the hall, sipping on a nice cuppa green tea. Feeling very reflective today, so I thought I'd pay the old blog a visit. Much has happened since my last visit here. It's not on the past i'm here to dwell on, but rather the future. The most scrary and exciting part of it would be the uncertainty of it all. I'm finishing my degree. I need to get a job. Will i get one? Where will I get one? Will i work in an accounting firm? Or should I just be greatful for any job? Where will I stay? Where should i apply to? All these questions. I have no clue. I dunno wht i'll be doing this december. Packing to stay or to leave? I was talking to Alexis(a friend of mine since we we're in kindy), and we're both confused. We have no idea where to begin. I guess, let the NEXT CHAPTER IN LIFE BEGIN!!! Hopefully I'm blessed enought to have things go my way:)
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How is it you can stand in a room full of people, and feel so alone.....
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBHAMp0-bLc&feature=player_embeddedCheck this out. Now in response to that.'Don't talk shit!??!' HELLO! You're on life TV!! Have some manners! Discrimination exist! It's u folk at the top level that's discriminating. Open your eyes and look at the younger generation!!! Stop this segregatation and your stupid divide and conquer strategy. Such crap...he can even wear a songkok and speak of such filth! SUCH HYPOCRISY!!! " We the malay's have forgive a lot of things..."....MR smart ass... DO TELL!!!!!! I'd love to hear! We've tolerated your SHIT and CRAP enough. I have nothing againts the Malays. I have Malay friends and they are not screwed up as our government. They are rational, logical people with self respect. He just insulted his own race by his conduct. WE...ALL OF US worked together to bring up this country. Every individual is as significant as the next. Treat us all unbiased. Give us credit for what we deserve regardless of race or religion. How is Malaysia ever going to move forward if we do not progress as one! ONE MALAYSIA?!?! DO NOT TALK OF SUCH SHIT!!! Clean that mouth and mind of your before you influence us with empty dreams! It angers me so much! SO MUCH! I LOVE MY COUNTRY! LEAVE HER ALONE! STOP STRIPPING HER AND RAPING HER OF HER PRIDE!!!
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WAIITTTTT!!!! HOLD UP!!! PERMISSION NEEDED FOR UNDER AGE MARRIAGE?!?! UNDER AGE?! A MINOR!??!
Now, one can mary a minor if they just get permission from the 'Kadi', providing a valid reason to be married. So, let's u and me brain storm the reason case of the 44 year old man, marrying the 11 year old child. HHHmmmmmm...what valid reason could he possible give?
1. It was love. Yes. He has fallen truly madly deeply in love with a minor. A 44 year old grown up, found love with an 11 year old girl, who probably is just trynna grasp the meaning of having a bf, love, life, education...yadayadayada.
2. hmmm...i dunno! I can't think of anything this minor can do for him. Cook?? CLean??? Have a decent conversation? Companionship? I mean seriously, what is it this 11 year old can give???
3. Oh yes...I know....she's a small kid, he probably wants a tighter pussy to fuck! THAT FUCKING JERK!!! By this act, they just legalised child rape. Bind the kid to the man through marriage- againts her will, and rape her, her whole life. He's her husband. They can legally have sex. I can't believe this is actually happening!??!! HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE!! HOW CAN THEY NOT SEE THE STUPIDITY OF THIS ACT!!! HOW HOW HOW?!?!?! My country, has put me to shame-yet again.
What disturbs me even more is the childs parents. ARE YOU STUPID! DO YOU NOT LOVE YOUR CHILD???? HOW CAN U DO SUCH A THING!!! HHOOOWWWW?!?!!? Do even have a brain? HAve you ever used it? Just this once...try.... I feel most sorry for the child. Why won't anyone put a stop to this horrific injustice. This stupidity! I'm so angry about this!!! I feel like slapping the parents. They could have stopped this! I'm so confused. Why aren't the parents protectiongyour child. How can you trust a LUNATIC to marry your 11 year old child?! HOW?!?! HOW?!?!?!? Here's the full story :
http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2010/3/11/nation/20100311130227&sec=nation&utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter
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I have been in Perth for a month!!!! WOW! Time past so FFFAASSTT!!! It feels like i've been here for ages! I have to say, student life is just PLAIN AWESOOMMMEE! It's so much fun. More fun cuz i'm living in the student village. So it's like a hangout everyday. It's nice. One big family. I annoy people at their flat, they come annoy me :). I'm not saying it is all fun. They are moments where you just get so tired in the midst of studying, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, tolerating incompetent others, that you just wanna wash your hands clean of everything. But, thats where it hits you, you're away from your family, in a foreign land. You can't just drop everything. You can't just not do your laundry-cuz then no one's gonna do it for you. You can't just not cook- cuz if then you'd have nothing to eat. You can't just not go out and buy stuff- cuz no one's gonna do that for you. THEN YOU REALIZE HOW YOU HAVE TAKEN YOUR FAMILY FOR GRANTED. That is how i feel -Especially my mom. It's amazing how she runs a household! It is NOT EASY! Since being here, I have a sense of ...or rather....an understanding of what it is like to be an adult and live on your own. You look out for YOU. It is all too exciting and stressful. However, I am proud to say, that I'm handling it fabulously :) . I just rock! ahahhahahaha. I've been out and about. Partying, Studying, Shopping - the works. I come to realise, in order to live alone on independant, the most important quality one needs is self discipline. I do not have a mom or a dad with me to tell me i'm partying too much, or that i'm coming back really late, or force me to eat my veggies and clean my room and do my homework. I do whatever the hell I want! And that's the tricky part....Once you begin to slack, it piles up,...a cumulative effect, and the next minute your in skin deep! And i'm not just talking about laundry here ..ahahahahah....but EVERYTHING! SO that is the update. PS: I'm learning salsa. It is epic! PS 2 : There is only one Hugh Jackman, and that's HUGH JACKMAN!
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So here I am. In Perth. How do I begin to describe all the emotions running through me. This place, It is similar yet different. The weather now is 34 degrees celcius- not much of a difference from Penang. People- well...there is a mini Malaysia on campus. There are just so many Malaysians! TONNES OF US HERE! So it really does not feel like you've left home! Plus i live with my Malaysian friends from home, so yeah, adapting to this new life is not hard at all.
The only thing different is that, with this new found independence, i've got a whole set of responsibilities. I need to open my own bank account, sort my own finances, do my own shopping, prepare my own food. Technically, i'm responsible for me. That's the fun part of growing up. I'm on my own now. I have to be responsible for my own actions. So far, i'm loving it. I cooked for the first time- I cooked 3 diff dishes and they were all awesome! Nyehhehehehehe....I've been out and about- Perth is beautiful. I've been to the beach, to the city. It is nice, people are friendly. That's all for now- I don't wanna jump to any conclusions about this place as of yet. It has only been a week. We shall see how this goes. So far, I think....i'm kinda loving it :)
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I Natasha Khanum will always be the little fat girl. I was not born skinny. There was not a stage in my where I was thin. Throughout my kindergarten, primary school, secondary school, and even now, i've alwayas had issues with weight. I started worrying about my weight at the age of 9. I started dieting at 9 years old. Everyone around me told me i was fat(except my family of course, but then again, my family proabably saw me through a slimming glass.) I'd just try not to eat, try to stop eating chocolates, I mean..i'd just try. It's hard to not eat candy at 9 years old. At the age of 9, i told myself by 12, i'd be thin. Then at the age of 12, i said by 16, i'll be thin. And at the age of 16, i told my self, for my 18th birthday I'd be fabulous! Then on my 18th birthday, I said...hmm..no no....on my 21st birthday I'd have a smokin body!!! And here I am, at the age of 22,still 'bestowed' with a belly that'll make a hippo jealous! I just want, that one day, where I'll look at myself and say "I'm here, precisely the way I always wanted my body to be." It annoys me, for I have realised every day, EVERY FREAKING DAY, I wake up and the first thought that comes to my mind is how fat I am. I hate to take a shower. Really. It just disgust me. I try not to look at myself in the mirror. I look down, I see my belly, and it makes me depress. Taking a shower makes me depressed. Somethings wrong with me. I'm your average girl. I don't overeat. I don't indulge in chocolates or ice cream like crazy! Maybe i do occasionally, but hey! So does the skinny bitch! She eats for 3 and she's still skinny. This depression has escalated up to a point where I actually feel like stabbing my self in the belly hoping fats just fall out! I do stage performances, and it aches my heart everytime I hear a director say, "Natasha, can you lose a bit off weight before the show?" or "Hey you're fat la, you must cut down." Cut down on what really?! EATING TOTALLY!?!? I'm so angry and sad!!! I'm at a point where I'm so lost! I don't know if I wanna cry it out or just laugh at the stupidity off it all. I'm a 22 year old, 158cm in height, weighing 58kgs. I used to work out like crazy!!! every morning I'd be in gym. I dropped to 54kgs....and of course ballooned up to 58kg again..where i'm currently at. Its frustrating. Since the age of 9, i've been so sad about my weight, and at this point, i still have not achieved anything. The pain in my heart is just horrible. It makes me feel so horrible. No one understands me. It is not easy, to grow with the world showing you that you are fat and you not being able to do anything about it. I know I should be happy for what I have in my life, and this is not big deal, but why does it hurt so much??? Why does it bother me so much. I'm greatful for eveything in mylife. But this, it bothers me, since I was a little girl, this has never left me. I want it to just go! I want the insecurity to just leave!!!
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It's 10.39am on a bright Thursday morning. I'm sitting in the hall, sipping on a nice cuppa green tea. Feeling very reflective today, so I thought I'd pay the old blog a visit. Much has happened since my last visit here. It's not on the past i'm here to dwell on, but rather the future. The most scrary and exciting part of it would be the uncertainty of it all. I'm finishing my degree. I need to get a job. Will i get one? Where will I get one? Will i work in an accounting firm? Or should I just be greatful for any job? Where will I stay? Where should i apply to? All these questions. I have no clue. I dunno wht i'll be doing this december. Packing to stay or to leave? I was talking to Alexis(a friend of mine since we we're in kindy), and we're both confused. We have no idea where to begin. I guess, let the NEXT CHAPTER IN LIFE BEGIN!!! Hopefully I'm blessed enought to have things go my way:)
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How is it you can stand in a room full of people, and feel so alone.....
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBHAMp0-bLc&feature=player_embeddedCheck this out. Now in response to that.'Don't talk shit!??!' HELLO! You're on life TV!! Have some manners! Discrimination exist! It's u folk at the top level that's discriminating. Open your eyes and look at the younger generation!!! Stop this segregatation and your stupid divide and conquer strategy. Such crap...he can even wear a songkok and speak of such filth! SUCH HYPOCRISY!!! " We the malay's have forgive a lot of things..."....MR smart ass... DO TELL!!!!!! I'd love to hear! We've tolerated your SHIT and CRAP enough. I have nothing againts the Malays. I have Malay friends and they are not screwed up as our government. They are rational, logical people with self respect. He just insulted his own race by his conduct. WE...ALL OF US worked together to bring up this country. Every individual is as significant as the next. Treat us all unbiased. Give us credit for what we deserve regardless of race or religion. How is Malaysia ever going to move forward if we do not progress as one! ONE MALAYSIA?!?! DO NOT TALK OF SUCH SHIT!!! Clean that mouth and mind of your before you influence us with empty dreams! It angers me so much! SO MUCH! I LOVE MY COUNTRY! LEAVE HER ALONE! STOP STRIPPING HER AND RAPING HER OF HER PRIDE!!!
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WAIITTTTT!!!! HOLD UP!!! PERMISSION NEEDED FOR UNDER AGE MARRIAGE?!?! UNDER AGE?! A MINOR!??!
Now, one can mary a minor if they just get permission from the 'Kadi', providing a valid reason to be married. So, let's u and me brain storm the reason case of the 44 year old man, marrying the 11 year old child. HHHmmmmmm...what valid reason could he possible give?
1. It was love. Yes. He has fallen truly madly deeply in love with a minor. A 44 year old grown up, found love with an 11 year old girl, who probably is just trynna grasp the meaning of having a bf, love, life, education...yadayadayada.
2. hmmm...i dunno! I can't think of anything this minor can do for him. Cook?? CLean??? Have a decent conversation? Companionship? I mean seriously, what is it this 11 year old can give???
3. Oh yes...I know....she's a small kid, he probably wants a tighter pussy to fuck! THAT FUCKING JERK!!! By this act, they just legalised child rape. Bind the kid to the man through marriage- againts her will, and rape her, her whole life. He's her husband. They can legally have sex. I can't believe this is actually happening!??!! HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE!! HOW CAN THEY NOT SEE THE STUPIDITY OF THIS ACT!!! HOW HOW HOW?!?!?! My country, has put me to shame-yet again.
What disturbs me even more is the childs parents. ARE YOU STUPID! DO YOU NOT LOVE YOUR CHILD???? HOW CAN U DO SUCH A THING!!! HHOOOWWWW?!?!!? Do even have a brain? HAve you ever used it? Just this once...try.... I feel most sorry for the child. Why won't anyone put a stop to this horrific injustice. This stupidity! I'm so angry about this!!! I feel like slapping the parents. They could have stopped this! I'm so confused. Why aren't the parents protectiongyour child. How can you trust a LUNATIC to marry your 11 year old child?! HOW?!?! HOW?!?!?!? Here's the full story :
http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2010/3/11/nation/20100311130227&sec=nation&utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter
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I have been in Perth for a month!!!! WOW! Time past so FFFAASSTT!!! It feels like i've been here for ages! I have to say, student life is just PLAIN AWESOOMMMEE! It's so much fun. More fun cuz i'm living in the student village. So it's like a hangout everyday. It's nice. One big family. I annoy people at their flat, they come annoy me :). I'm not saying it is all fun. They are moments where you just get so tired in the midst of studying, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, tolerating incompetent others, that you just wanna wash your hands clean of everything. But, thats where it hits you, you're away from your family, in a foreign land. You can't just drop everything. You can't just not do your laundry-cuz then no one's gonna do it for you. You can't just not cook- cuz if then you'd have nothing to eat. You can't just not go out and buy stuff- cuz no one's gonna do that for you. THEN YOU REALIZE HOW YOU HAVE TAKEN YOUR FAMILY FOR GRANTED. That is how i feel -Especially my mom. It's amazing how she runs a household! It is NOT EASY! Since being here, I have a sense of ...or rather....an understanding of what it is like to be an adult and live on your own. You look out for YOU. It is all too exciting and stressful. However, I am proud to say, that I'm handling it fabulously :) . I just rock! ahahhahahaha. I've been out and about. Partying, Studying, Shopping - the works. I come to realise, in order to live alone on independant, the most important quality one needs is self discipline. I do not have a mom or a dad with me to tell me i'm partying too much, or that i'm coming back really late, or force me to eat my veggies and clean my room and do my homework. I do whatever the hell I want! And that's the tricky part....Once you begin to slack, it piles up,...a cumulative effect, and the next minute your in skin deep! And i'm not just talking about laundry here ..ahahahahah....but EVERYTHING! SO that is the update. PS: I'm learning salsa. It is epic! PS 2 : There is only one Hugh Jackman, and that's HUGH JACKMAN!
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So here I am. In Perth. How do I begin to describe all the emotions running through me. This place, It is similar yet different. The weather now is 34 degrees celcius- not much of a difference from Penang. People- well...there is a mini Malaysia on campus. There are just so many Malaysians! TONNES OF US HERE! So it really does not feel like you've left home! Plus i live with my Malaysian friends from home, so yeah, adapting to this new life is not hard at all.
The only thing different is that, with this new found independence, i've got a whole set of responsibilities. I need to open my own bank account, sort my own finances, do my own shopping, prepare my own food. Technically, i'm responsible for me. That's the fun part of growing up. I'm on my own now. I have to be responsible for my own actions. So far, i'm loving it. I cooked for the first time- I cooked 3 diff dishes and they were all awesome! Nyehhehehehehe....I've been out and about- Perth is beautiful. I've been to the beach, to the city. It is nice, people are friendly. That's all for now- I don't wanna jump to any conclusions about this place as of yet. It has only been a week. We shall see how this goes. So far, I think....i'm kinda loving it :)
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ur average girl still searchin for answers to questions she does not even know...
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The Fat Little Girl
