Extrovert Extraordinaire

The Fat Little Girl

2010-10-22T09:44:00.001-07:00

I Natasha Khanum will always be the little fat girl.

I was not born skinny. There was not a stage in my where I was thin. Throughout my kindergarten, primary school, secondary school, and even now, i've alwayas had issues with weight.

I started worrying about my weight at the age of 9. I started dieting at 9 years old. Everyone around me told me i was fat(except my family of course, but then again, my family proabably saw me through a slimming glass.) I'd just try not to eat, try to stop eating chocolates, I mean..i'd just try. It's hard to not eat candy at 9 years old. At the age of 9, i told myself by 12, i'd be thin. Then at the age of 12, i said by 16, i'll be thin. And at the age of 16, i told my self, for my 18th birthday I'd be fabulous! Then on my 18th birthday, I said...hmm..no no....on my 21st birthday I'd have a smokin body!!! And here I am, at the age of 22,still 'bestowed' with a belly that'll make a hippo jealous! I just want, that one day, where I'll look at myself and say "I'm here, precisely the way I always wanted my body to be."

It annoys me, for I have realised every day, EVERY FREAKING DAY, I wake up and the first thought that comes to my mind is how fat I am. I hate to take a shower. Really. It just disgust me. I try not to look at myself in the mirror. I look down, I see my belly, and it makes me depress. Taking a shower makes me depressed. Somethings wrong with me.

I'm your average girl. I don't overeat. I don't indulge in chocolates or ice cream like crazy!

Maybe i do occasionally, but hey! So does the skinny bitch! She eats for 3 and she's still skinny. This depression has escalated up to a point where I actually feel like stabbing my self in the belly hoping fats just fall out!

I do stage performances, and it aches my heart everytime I hear a director say, "Natasha, can you lose a bit off weight before the show?" or "Hey you're fat la, you must cut down."

Cut down on what really?! EATING TOTALLY!?!? I'm so angry and sad!!! I'm at a point where I'm so lost! I don't know if I wanna cry it out or just laugh at the stupidity off it all. I'm a 22 year old, 158cm in height, weighing 58kgs. I used to work out like crazy!!! every morning I'd be in gym. I dropped to 54kgs....and of course ballooned up to 58kg again..where i'm currently at. Its frustrating.

Since the age of 9, i've been so sad about my weight, and at this point, i still have not achieved anything. The pain in my heart is just horrible. It makes me feel so horrible. No one understands me. It is not easy, to grow with the world showing you that you are fat and you not being able to do anything about it. I know I should be happy for what I have in my life, and this is not big deal, but why does it hurt so much??? Why does it bother me so much. I'm greatful for eveything in mylife. But this, it bothers me, since I was a little girl, this has never left me. I want it to just go! I want the insecurity to just leave!!!

JOurney to the NExt ChapTer

2010-07-14T19:39:00.000-07:00

It's 10.39am on a bright Thursday morning. I'm sitting in the hall, sipping on a nice cuppa green tea. Feeling very reflective today, so I thought I'd pay the old blog a visit. Much has happened since my last visit here. It's not on the past i'm here to dwell on, but rather the future. The most scrary and exciting part of it would be the uncertainty of it all.

I'm finishing my degree. I need to get a job. Will i get one? Where will I get one? Will i work in an accounting firm? Or should I just be greatful for any job? Where will I stay? Where should i apply to? All these questions. I have no clue. I dunno wht i'll be doing this december. Packing to stay or to leave? I was talking to Alexis(a friend of mine since we we're in kindy), and we're both confused. We have no idea where to begin. I guess, let the NEXT CHAPTER IN LIFE BEGIN!!! Hopefully I'm blessed enought to have things go my way:)

Question..

2010-04-19T11:11:00.000-07:00

How is it you can stand in a room full of people, and feel so alone.....

I WEEP FOR MY COUNTRY

2010-04-05T04:47:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBHAMp0-bLc&feature=player_embedded

Check this out.

Now in response to that.

'Don't talk shit!??!' HELLO! You're on life TV!! Have some manners! Discrimination exist! It's u folk at the top level that's discriminating. Open your eyes and look at the younger generation!!! Stop this segregatation and your stupid divide and conquer strategy. Such crap...he can even wear a songkok and speak of such filth! SUCH HYPOCRISY!!!

" We the malay's have forgive a lot of things..."....MR smart ass... DO TELL!!!!!! I'd love to hear! We've tolerated your SHIT and CRAP enough. I have nothing againts the Malays. I have Malay friends and they are not screwed up as our government. They are rational, logical people with self respect. He just insulted his own race by his conduct.

WE...ALL OF US worked together to bring up this country. Every individual is as significant as the next. Treat us all unbiased. Give us credit for what we deserve regardless of race or religion. How is Malaysia ever going to move forward if we do not progress as one! ONE MALAYSIA?!?! DO NOT TALK OF SUCH SHIT!!! Clean that mouth and mind of your before you influence us with empty dreams! It angers me so much! SO MUCH! I LOVE MY COUNTRY! LEAVE HER ALONE! STOP STRIPPING HER AND RAPING HER OF HER PRIDE!!!

Marriage to a MINOR!??!?!?!?

2010-03-13T21:43:00.000-08:00

WAIITTTTT!!!! HOLD UP!!! PERMISSION NEEDED FOR UNDER AGE MARRIAGE?!?! UNDER AGE?! A MINOR!??!

Now, one can mary a minor if they just get permission from the 'Kadi', providing a valid reason to be married. So, let's u and me brain storm the reason case of the 44 year old man, marrying the 11 year old child. HHHmmmmmm...what valid reason could he possible give?

1. It was love. Yes. He has fallen truly madly deeply in love with a minor. A 44 year old grown up, found love with an 11 year old girl, who probably is just trynna grasp the meaning of having a bf, love, life, education...yadayadayada.

2. hmmm...i dunno! I can't think of anything this minor can do for him. Cook?? CLean??? Have a decent conversation? Companionship? I mean seriously, what is it this 11 year old can give???

3. Oh yes...I know....she's a small kid, he probably wants a tighter pussy to fuck! THAT FUCKING JERK!!! By this act, they just legalised child rape. Bind the kid to the man through marriage- againts her will, and rape her, her whole life. He's her husband. They can legally have sex. I can't believe this is actually happening!??!! HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE!! HOW CAN THEY NOT SEE THE STUPIDITY OF THIS ACT!!! HOW HOW HOW?!?!?! My country, has put me to shame-yet again.

What disturbs me even more is the childs parents. ARE YOU STUPID! DO YOU NOT LOVE YOUR CHILD???? HOW CAN U DO SUCH A THING!!! HHOOOWWWW?!?!!? Do even have a brain? HAve you ever used it? Just this once...try.... I feel most sorry for the child. Why won't anyone put a stop to this horrific injustice. This stupidity! I'm so angry about this!!! I feel like slapping the parents. They could have stopped this! I'm so confused. Why aren't the parents protectiongyour child. How can you trust a LUNATIC to marry your 11 year old child?! HOW?!?! HOW?!?!?!?

Here's the full story :
http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2010/3/11/nation/20100311130227&sec=nation&utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter

One month...

2010-03-08T06:08:00.000-08:00

I have been in Perth for a month!!!! WOW! Time past so FFFAASSTT!!! It feels like i've been here for ages!

I have to say, student life is just PLAIN AWESOOMMMEE! It's so much fun. More fun cuz i'm living in the student village. So it's like a hangout everyday. It's nice. One big family. I annoy people at their flat, they come annoy me :).

I'm not saying it is all fun. They are moments where you just get so tired in the midst of studying, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, tolerating incompetent others, that you just wanna wash your hands clean of everything. But, thats where it hits you, you're away from your family, in a foreign land. You can't just drop everything. You can't just not do your laundry-cuz then no one's gonna do it for you. You can't just not cook- cuz if then you'd have nothing to eat. You can't just not go out and buy stuff- cuz no one's gonna do that for you. THEN YOU REALIZE HOW YOU HAVE TAKEN YOUR FAMILY FOR GRANTED. That is how i feel -Especially my mom. It's amazing how she runs a household! It is NOT EASY!

Since being here, I have a sense of ...or rather....an understanding of what it is like to be an adult and live on your own. You look out for YOU. It is all too exciting and stressful. However, I am proud to say, that I'm handling it fabulously :) . I just rock! ahahhahahaha. I've been out and about. Partying, Studying, Shopping - the works. I come to realise, in order to live alone on independant, the most important quality one needs is self discipline. I do not have a mom or a dad with me to tell me i'm partying too much, or that i'm coming back really late, or force me to eat my veggies and clean my room and do my homework. I do whatever the hell I want! And that's the tricky part....Once you begin to slack, it piles up,...a cumulative effect, and the next minute your in skin deep! And i'm not just talking about laundry here ..ahahahahah....but EVERYTHING!

SO that is the update.

PS: I'm learning salsa. It is epic!

PS 2 : There is only one Hugh Jackman, and that's HUGH JACKMAN!

PERTH!

2010-02-14T01:00:00.000-08:00

So here I am. In Perth. How do I begin to describe all the emotions running through me. This place, It is similar yet different. The weather now is 34 degrees celcius- not much of a difference from Penang. People- well...there is a mini Malaysia on campus. There are just so many Malaysians! TONNES OF US HERE! So it really does not feel like you've left home! Plus i live with my Malaysian friends from home, so yeah, adapting to this new life is not hard at all.

The only thing different is that, with this new found independence, i've got a whole set of responsibilities. I need to open my own bank account, sort my own finances, do my own shopping, prepare my own food. Technically, i'm responsible for me. That's the fun part of growing up. I'm on my own now. I have to be responsible for my own actions. So far, i'm loving it. I cooked for the first time- I cooked 3 diff dishes and they were all awesome! Nyehhehehehehe....I've been out and about- Perth is beautiful. I've been to the beach, to the city. It is nice, people are friendly. That's all for now- I don't wanna jump to any conclusions about this place as of yet. It has only been a week. We shall see how this goes. So far, I think....i'm kinda loving it :)

FORGET THE BAD. CHERISH THE GOOD

2010-01-23T19:37:00.000-08:00

What a crazy night I had last night!!!

First Me, Honey, Maal and Benny headed to the beach for some fun time. Sea breeze, sand between your toes while you're high on wine is just the absolute combination for a total chill time. Not to mention having ur Giggly GF(Maal) on your side makes it all more fun! We were just laughing and falling all over(not like we needed wine for that la...Cuz we are generally high on life..nyehehhhe).

Secondly, after our wine fiesta! We headed to MOIS- while high on wine- STRAIGHT to the dance floor! We danced the night away! EPIC! I have not had so much fun!!!!

But, between this Party and happiness. We both had come to a complete understanding on what friends are and what we meant to them. After wine, before MOIS, in an instant, we lost 2 friends due to what...even I don't know. All I know is, I don't know them at all, and neither do they know us. It was sad but rather the disappointment consumed us. I wished I'd realize this sooner, then I would have not wasted all the precious time i'd had with'em.

In all my years, let me tell what friends DON'T DO:

1) They don't abandon you

2) They are not embarrassed by you

3) The do not have double-standards towards you

4) They do not trip you, but rather they should catch your fall

5) They sdo not just laugh with you and but cry with you as well

6) They do not LIE to you.

7) They do not cause you PAIN!

So, what does not break me, makes me stronger. Thinking about this whole situation does make me laugh a lil. It is all stupid really. Silly. Oh well, not everyone has a high enough mental capacity to realize the stupidity of their actions. Can't expect everyone to think maturely now, can we? Looks like...for some, the older you grow, the quicker your brain cells diminish. Hehehehe.

Hmmm...so...what have I learned from this.

I will still choose to love rather than to hate. To hate takes up so much of my energy, it is just not worth it. It is much easier to love those that deserve it, and ignore those that do not. DO NOT HATE!!! It consumes you.

I will not give up in the human spirit. I will still give everyone I meet the benefit of the doubt. I will not judge them for I have been judged all my life. I still believe in kidness and loyalty.

I have not and will not compromise my principles in life. Never have and NEVER WILL. If I do, I'd go againts every fibre i'm made of, I'd shatter me.

I believe actions speak louder than words. Seeing is believing anyway.

Life is a bitter sweet symphony :) I'm curious to know how my story will turn out. And that is why...LIFE IS JUST AWESOME.

3.35am...and I can't sleep

2010-01-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

Why hello there My blog. Yes it is 3.35am and yes u guessed correct... I can't sleep...YET AGAIN....haiizz...

What was that? Owh...'Why' u ask? Well, as usual, my mind does not want to stop thinking. It refuses to shut down and give me peace!!!!!!! It is infact causing me even more confusion! Sometimes, I do wish I stop over-analysing things and creating to high goals. Damn annoying!!! The amount of sleepless nights I have! AAAAAAAHHH!!!

So here I am, online, facebooking, sipping a cuppa green tea. Trynna calm myself from all the hullabaloo in my head!

DAMAGE, CHAOS AND CONFUSION!??!??!

2010-01-08T21:27:00.000-08:00

I READ THE MOST HILLARIOUS THING! I THINK THIS CAN WIN AN AWARD FOR WORLDS MOST STUPIDEST STATEMENT.

Basically the opposition leader Khir Toyo is 'mourning' cause the high court allowed the use of the word 'Allah' in its weekly publication.

He says by allowing this it would cause, hear this laa..."DAMAGE, CHAOS AND CONFUSION". I laughed so hard when I read this!

- this info was taken from "The Malaysian Insider". Here is the link to read the full article. http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/index.php/malaysia/48263-khir-toyo-says-in-mourning-over-allah-ruling

Isn't it amazing that these people are constantly interpreting things on their own, coming up with their own rules and hence disrespecting the Quran and Allah's teachings! How dare they say it can't be used when God Himself never said so! He has many names, and not once did He say only muslims are allowed to mention his name. Technically, they are going againts Allah! They say we're now going in this whole 'ajaran sesat' shit, moving away from god's teaching...bla bla bla... But if you ask me, they are the one's who have left God's path a LOOOOOONNGGGG TIME AGO!

..and here's why...

1. Interpreting Quran to their whims and fancies!
2. Using religion as a tool to spread political beliefs and gain political support.
3. Use religion as an excuse to Kill others

And after all that, they still have the nerve to call themselves muslims...Disgusting! ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING!!!! Their whole conduct makes them 'syaitans'! Islam is a peaceful religion!!! Don't tarnish it with your foolishness and lack of incompetence!

The muslims call their creator Allah, and hence, that is how a muslim and any non-muslim would would adress Allah, with that term! After Sept 11, a lot of muslims claim that non-muslims have got it all wrong, islam is a peaceful religion, non-muslims should be educated, so they can see the light on what the religion is really about. Now, tell me, how can anyone get close to islam and understand islamic teaching when they are not even allowed to speak of it!!! Not even allowed to mention the Creator by his many names! RUBBISH! ALL RUBBISH! And he says "damage, chaos and confusion" Well the only people 'CONFUSED' are you and your peeps! And due to your confusion, you and your peeps are the ones causing 'CHAOS' and 'DAMAGE' on to others! Just because your faith or Iman can be shaken because a non-muslim uses the term 'Allah', please do not assume other muslims would as well. They are not as weak as you.

It makes me really sad to see Malaysians acting this way. ONE MALAYSIA my arse!!! As Malaysians, it is our culture to respect one another race and religion. We're so familiar with each others religious celebrations, prayers and rituals, it does not bother us...nor does it disturb our faith. But somehow, as we move to a new civilized era, the more uncivilized we've become. ....Wawasan 2020???....no comments.

REFLECTION OF 2009

2009-12-30T08:23:00.000-08:00

So it is the last day of 2009. RECAAAAAAPPPPP!!!! 2009 has been a helluva year! Ups and downs. Started the year with a bang! So i'm gonna reflect on what I did.

This was the people I started the New year 2009 with...and will be doing so again this year!

I love'em

JANUARY

Sunway lagoon with college mates! Was awesome!

FEBRUARY

Fly Jentayu

This show was a piece by Ombak Arts Studio in conjunction with Women's international Day.

FEBRUARY AND MARCH

Manimal day rehearsals and show

This was an insane show! It was an abstract piece directed by Kent Tan on the irony of human life. Intense training. We trained so much! I had so many bruises that putting on clothes or when the cloth rubbed on my skin...it actually hurt! PAIN...but it was worth it! I pushed my body to the limits! That was the best thing about this. This, was the most challenging piece i have ever been part of! I understood my body even more, how it moves, what we take for granted. I remember one rehearsal where my palm bleeded....and I still had to continue the movement. Epic time!:)

APRIL

Mom fell ill-bad times: stayed in the ICU for a week!

This was a very hard time for all of us. We got a taste of what it is like without. We had to cook, do chores, and the house was just not the same! Our routine was college, as for dad, work...then we'd head to the hospital, be with mom till they kicked us out and then head back, clean cook and sleep...and the next day, the routine would repeat. She was away for 2 weeks. Doctors could not give us any answers as to what's wrong, it was a 50-50 chance of her recovery. I thank GOD she's here with me now!!!

MAY

I had purple hair

This was fun! While everyone thought this was insane...i think it was FREAKIN AWESOME!!!! I wanted to do my whole head...problem was...the last stage of teh colour change was GREEN! It'd look like i'd have moss growing on my head! NA AH!

JUNE

Surprise Birthday party from my loved ones! I turned 21!!!!!

CUPCAKES INSTEAD OF A CAKE! LOVED THIS!!!

EVERYONE DRESSED IN PURPLE JUST FOR MEEEE!!!!!

JULY

Had a blast at the Sarawak Rainforest fest!!!

This was my fave group! MAURI!

Having a taste of sarawak Tuak at the Inn we stayed in!!!:)

AUGUST

Prepaaration to transfer to Perth began -it kicked in...i'm finally going!

The 3 of us...on a new journey-TOGETHER! IT WILL BE EPIC!

NOVEMBER

Rehearsals for Ko-tai

Me and Diyana fooling around during rehearsals

DECEMBER

Ko-tai show!!!

PS: Of course there were a lot of wild parties and partying-too many to recap on! LOL

KO-TAI FIRST SHOW!

2009-12-29T02:39:00.000-08:00

First Ko-Tai sho was a succes! We had to run the show twice for the audience! Energy levels of all actors were awesome! :) I was pleased. Can't wait to hit the stage again on the 2nd Jan 2010!!! So...here I am..sittng down...all excited for tonights rehearsal for teh next show...when I get an sms from one of the directors saying this- "KOtai rehearsal at 8pm tonite at panggung sasaran. Pls be punctual, got changes to work on." ahahah!

This should be the part where i scream and say NOOOOO!!!!!!! show is in 5 days frm now????!?!?! CHANGES!??!?! nyehehhehe.... Instead, i'm excited! LOL...even during the first show.....we added an extra scene few hours before the show. I love this! Keeps u on your toes....as an actor...i feel constant variation helps keep you in character. If not, one would take the role for granted and every movement would be just like acting out your memory. You loose yourself cuz u do the same thing a million times...It is like you could do it without thinking...and thats when all emotion vanishes- as thought you're in a state of trance.

Hence why I love working with Ombak Arts studio, you never knw what you're gonna get! I share the same drive and enthusiasm they have to make it BETTER!!! PERFECTION IS THE TARGET! TRY TRY TRY TRYYYYYYYYY!!!! Just yesterday...I was in gym....and like all gyms, mine had many mirrors...so...since NO ONE was there...I decided to practise for the show, and stage acting usually is over dramatizing all your actions. And there I was...doing my thing, and then and aunty comes along. I could have just died!!! She probably thinks i'm mad!!!! I stop and try to act as thought i was stretching la( FAILED MISREABLY MIND YOU!!!...she knew i was not stretching!) And she walks passed as though she didnt see anything- Which is a LIIEEE!!!! Cuz she jerked when she saw me...Oh the awkwardness!!!

Allrighty! Of to rehearsals!!!

KO-TAI PENANG!!!

2009-12-26T21:08:00.000-08:00

KO-TAI!!!

I'M IN ANOTHER SHOW!!! THIRD SHOW AND THE LAST SHOW FOR 2009!

This is basically a 40minute musical dance-drama which traces back historical events that took place between independance day and present in PENANG!!! As usual, we use song, dance, and movement to present our research. This whole play is based on oral history that we've collected from penangites themselves. It was a long gruelling process and the end product is finally here! So please do come an join us!!!

Past, Present, 2012

2009-12-03T22:48:00.000-08:00

Doesn't the thought that the world ending in 2012 kinda spoil the fun outta life?

Well, for me, I would have just finished my degree 2011, and graduated. I'd work for a year plus...and then die!!!! And it is not like i'm doing a fun Artsy degree....I'm doing accounts. I wasted my life doing A-Levels science subject- phsyics, chem, maths...the works....then i kill myself with my accounting degree!! WWHHHAAATT THHEEE F*******!!!

Ok...now on the brighter side....err...I know it's here somewhere...where is it....if only i can find ot...wait ahh....LOL.

So after the movie, it got me thinking. I had to questions in mind.

Q1: If I could live my life again....what would i change?

Q2: If the world were really gonna end in 2012, how would I live my life henceforth?

Question 1, would I change any event in my life. Answer: No.

It is not because I've had the most perfect life. It is just a simple fact that I was shaped by even the most smallest of details in my past. Every event, be it bad or good has brought me here. Dare i say, I've understood myself more through all the bad/negative events that have occured in my life, rather than happy ones. Anyone can handle happiness and smooth sailing, but I believe we human beings are defined by our worst moments. Moments that test us, moments were we are compelled to make decisions, moments thats brings about harsh realizations. I've never had anything easy. All that I am, I worked for. I never got anything because I was someone's daughter, I achieved certain goals because of me. As a 21 year old, that gives me a sense of my self. A sense of self-actualisation.

I grew up real fast as a child. Everywhere I went, most over used comment, "you're very mature for your age". This comments started when I was 10 years old, and I've been hearing it ever since. At first, while growing up, I thought it as a form of formality, small talk, but as i grew up, i realised my friends didn't. How they perceived life, and how I did, there was a vast difference. I never exactly had 'besties' growing up-nor did I see the use of having besties. I've never had a fixed group of friends in my life. Every time, I'd hop from group to group- not on purpose, it just happens. This year....the 'besties' in January, June and now, are all different. I guess maybe because I need change. People aren't so open to change which is sad. Once they find their comfort zone, the tendency to just dwell there becomes almost a natural course of action. I can't do that. My ideologies change, view in life...everything!

Just a week ago, someone told me that I "still have a long way to go". Don't we all have a long way to go? Is not life but a process of learning. A gateway of knowledge just waiting to be downloaded into our minds. We're all learning, everyday, every second. Of course I have a long way to go, the world, the universe! I can live forever and still discover new things about life, and myself. I do not think one can judge a person based on the length of time she's lived on this earth, but rather the experience she has had. I'm not saying I have experienced it all, but I do think I can give sound opinions. Some did tell me I was pretty philosophical for my age! LOL!

I think, people should not take me for granted. Beneath this loony girl, is a whole lot more of complexities that even perplex me!!! ok...this can go on....

Question 2, assuming the world is really gonna end 2012, what would I do?

Honestly, what can you do? I'd live my life the way i've always lived it-by my rules. No reason for me to throw away my goals and deviate from my principles. Honestly, If u think about it. Death is inevitable, sooner or later, we're bound to stare at it in the face! So if we have lived our lives all this while normally with the full knowledge of death at hand, why should it be any different if the world ends 2012. Of course the thought of how we'd die does scare me, but wht can you do? This time it is outta our hands. It's time we man up to all the pain we caused mother nature and face the consequences.

2009-12-02T08:26:00.000-08:00

OFF JOGET AND PATRIOTIC SONGS!

I'm tired! i just Joget-ed the night away! I'm doing a show again! WOOHOOOO!!! Finally...the only thing I feel comfortable with....my comfort zone...the stage-performing...its my zen! hehhehehhe.... so yes....do u knw that joget makes you SWEAT!!! After just a few minutes of joget-ing...I was sweating to the core!!! WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT!!!! IT'S NUTS I TELL U!!! Never under estimate the power of traditional dance!

It so hard! I'm damn KAKU! I look like a stick...freaking stiff!!! The hall where we rehearse has mirrors at the side....so it is kinda hard not to spot a purple blob at the corner of my eye from teh reflection and OH MY GOD! I look BAD!! BAADDDDD!!!! I can't freakin move right!!! so...guess what i'll be doing this whole week....YES! JOGET-ING my life away!!!

ok...So for my play, I need to memorize a few patriotic songs fromm Jimmy Boyle, Ahmad Merican and Johar Bahar. Is it just me...or do they all have NEARLY THE SAME LYRICS...and NEARLY THE SAME TUNE!!!! I keep on messing up the tunes with the song!!! FREAKIN CONFUSED AT THIS POINT! I sang and sang..till I came up with my own freakin tune- I didn't know what I was singin anymore!

ok off to bed!!! my ass hurts frm all the bending cuz of the JOGET!

PS: Here's a thought...One malaysia....sounds like communism no? LOL

2009-11-18T03:10:00.000-08:00

All because I wanted to dance in the rain...

I don't know why, when it rains, everyone gets worked up. Traffic increases, people drive worse off, plans get cancelled, people get lazy. So common to hear the excuse of - "it's raining la...".

But what is rain but just water, I mean,.....when i was a kid...i loved the rain! REALLY! I loved running out and playing with rain! Just something about it was so liberating!!! To just be....to not care....to have the moment....can't really describe it, but i know i loved it....

I guess when you are a kid, everything is exciting. The rain, thunder, lightning nature...everything was intriguing. I miss that! I miss that there was always something new to see, to touch to hold to learn. Through the eyes of a kid, the world was beautiful. I can't remember how it was to have no worries.BUT, at that point, all I wanted to do was GROW UP. I remember everyone telling me, being a grown up is not fun. RUBBBISSHH!! How can it not be fun! You can do whatever you want! You can buy all the toys u want! You can eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner!!! You can sleep after 8pm!!!! OMG!! THE LIFE!!! ...Boy was I deceived....

As I grew, bit by bit, the veil infront of my eyes slowly fades away. I see the world...for what it really is. I think, the world has changed, people are more materialistic and nasty now. Selfish. Pursuing their own goals at the expense of others. Sad. Rush. Rushing to catch some unknown future, loosing themselves in the moment. Never fully being able to live and embrace the present....but...somehow....I think the world was always like that. It has never changed. I was just protected in my mothers arms.

I realised the world was amazing....and then I hit 7. And it was that age, I knew It was just a painting that I was looking all this while. I grew up real fast. At that age, I went through a lot, family, friends....the main reason why I matured real fast was cuz i wanted to protect Honey. I just could not bear the thought of Honey going through the crap I did! I NEVER EVER WANTED THAT! The pain of your heart breaking because something was not what it was meant to be....its horrible. Now, I'm leaving, I'm sacred as hell to leave Honey...alone. I know she is a strong chick...she'd pull through. But i've always been there....her whole life. And suddenly, i'm gonna be Kilometres away! OMG!!!! It scares me! I won't be able to be there for baby sis when she needs to talk at like...3am in the morning. I'm gonna miss baby sis! SO SO SO SO SO MUUUCCHH!!! I feel so guilty for just leaving her like that. I don't know if i've been a good sister. I never had a manual of "Being a Sister for Dummies". She was born....and that was that....I was an older sister. All I remember is...I did promise myself that i'd take care of her and love her too bits. I hope I did just that!

Man!!! I'm gonna stop this instant..if i go one summore....water works are gonna begin! and this whole blog post came to be all because I wanted to dance in the rain!!! :

2009-10-21T07:56:00.000-07:00

I NEED TO PEEE!!!!!!!!!!

It was management class. Air cond was freaking cold...ok ok..it was not..but those that know, know how fast I freeze!!!! So i was freezing, I thought wearing long sleeves would cut it, but...was still cold! CIS! So sir was going on and on and on...there was no opening for me to excuse myself. I mean...I can't just walk out of the class....ok..i can la...but thats so UNETHICAL (so is grabbing people's asses....but thats not the point!). SO, yes, i manage to unshamefully, walk to the front, seek his permission and leave.

Ok..so the usual toilet on the 2nd floor is out of order. SO, i had to walk to the other side of the 2nd floor to reach the other toilet!...I reach there, it was getting cleaned- no entry. FINE! I walk down one floor- toilet on that floor was UNDER RENOVATION! So, i assume the 3rd floor toilet would be getting cleaned as well, so i take the lift to the 4th floor-DYING TO PEE! REAL BAD! So i walk to the toilet, thinking, "if this toilet is out, its blog worthy! I mean! Come on...what are the chances of...OH MY FUCCKK!!" It said no entry- lady was cleaning. So i walk down to the third floor...I enter the toilet..FULL! EVERYONE HAD TO PEE AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME TODAY!!!! So I tried to patiently wait for my turn whilst giving dirty stares all the other pee-free girls. Happily chatting and laughing, enjoying the comfort of an empty bladder..while I watch and wait in AGONY!!!!

(PS: Coffee and choc is a lethal combination!....like drugs...it shud be banned! nyehehehehhehe)

2009-10-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

INTO THE CHASMS OF BLACKNESS

THUS, IT IS HERE....The time where I must succumb to its bitterness, its stench, its pain. It petrifies my entire body!!! I can resist its temptation for it does not tempt me, but in order to survive these crucial times...I must give in! It used to be just once a day, but now.....my doses have increased, I can't help it. The blackness, the darkness....oh how I loathe and squirm even at the thought of it.

I MUST TAKE IT.....

.......COFFFEEE!!!!!

CIS! It exams and assignments time again! Deadlines! RAARRR!!! I can't stand coffee, it is just so bad. I've heard it a ga-zillion times how "one day you'll grow to like coffee"....it aint happening sweetie, not it this life time....or the one after that, and surely not the one after that, or even the one after that. Why I do not like coffee? Simple....it is not TEA!!!!! I need my TEA!! Cuz tea is just AWESOME! Why is it awesome? CUZ ITS TEA MATHAFAKA!!! You get the point...

Well...so the first cup of coffee has begun, and surprisingly, one cup just aint cuttin it no more! :

YIKES!!! Once again, I fell asleep with my head on my laptop. =_= Not good....not good! You cant blame me, accounts aint exactly a bundle of joy and excitement to learn. Why can't we just get back to barter system! YOU take my COW, i give you 5 chickens!...or maybe 6-7 chickens...but then that depends on how much ur cow weighs, how old is ur cow, what breed, does it...hmmm.... i'm beginning to see the point of accounting... Oh well...of for a cup of Coffee and back to assignments.

2009-10-18T08:50:00.001-07:00

STALKERS BACK!!!!

So, on Friday morning, I wake to an early sms, Mr Stalker wishing me a plain and simple good morning. He'd use to do that a year ago...msg me without fail everday. And of course i'd never reply. So i did the same, I did not reply. Then, he sent me another msg asking if i'm in college or not- I still don't reply. Then another sms comes in, telling me to be careful on the streets-same thing, I don't reply. Fourth msg comes in, telling me to take care...watch out for snatch thiefs bla bla bla....-I still dont reply, and last one telling me to have a nice day( I would if u stopped bugging me and spreading rumours of 'US'=_=). This happens between the time span of 8am to 12pm plus.( to think the guy would get the hint). Then at 5.35pm to around 6pm plus, he called non stop for like 4-5 times. And OF COURSE I did not pick up. Damn creeeepy ok. Most of us, who have been mutual friends with him agree that he is a little psycho, a bit deranged maybe..... He stalked where I lived. He'd call like 6-7am in the morning, telling me he's outside my place and if i'm interested in going to botanical gardens with him, he'd see if my cars at my place and tell me he knows i'm home and if I wanna go out. That freaked the shit outta me! There was even a time where he msged the same msg content to my frenster, facebook, e-mail and handphone! HOW CREEEEEPPPPPPPYYYY IS THAT OK?!?!??!?! Have not seen him in college lately, and I hope to NEVERR SEE HIM EVVEERRR!!

Well, you can't say I have a boring life! Just another day in the life of Nat.

2009-10-16T09:01:00.000-07:00

Life's all about the DRAMA

HAPPY DIWALI!

ok...so this week has been one insane week...drama drama drama.....but the thing is, i'm not in any of it!

Case 1: The bachelor who wants the unreachable -not cuz she's so high above him...cirsumstances is such thats its just hard to work out.

Case 2: The over smothering bf and the confused gf.

Case 3: Lets just say, DON'T fall for you best friend's gf...

Case 4: The bachelor who got his heart broken but still yearns for her....it's been a year, and he still loves her. No one is to blame.

It's amazing how people actually want to take my advice....everyone here is older than me, way more experienced in relationships...and they want this 21 year old's advice : Kinda hillarious actually. What's even more funny is i give them so much hope about love, life...the future..... and at the end of the day I leave none for me. But, dun be sad for me, I think, I got to where I am because I never really relied on hope. I worked for everything I am and that I've becomed. I'm proud of me:) From this fat, quiet, insecure girl to Natasha Khanum, but there's still a loooonngg way to go! Isn't life just AWESOME!(no...i'm not being sarcastic...it really is)

2009-10-09T11:36:00.001-07:00

WHY

I wonder how the future will be like? I mean, 10 years from now, would the home we called Earth even be in existence. I see two ways of how we humans will be wiped out.

1) Mother Nature

Well, as history has mentioned time in time, evolution is inevitable. The only thing constant in this world is change. It is one of the most natural things for organisms to change according to their environment, in order to survive. Example, how certain frogs may change their gender in a unisex environment, just so to mate and produce off springs. Thus is the journey in life. It's natures way of surviving.

So, what happens when human beings threatens the very existence of this planet? What happens when we humans kill this planet bit by bit. The evolution of nature comes to play, showing us its mighty power to smite us, with all its wrath- earthquakes after earthquakes, tsunami, hurricanes, the WORKS! All in a short period of time. Natural instinct of nature, or anything of that matter- go on the defensive and wipe out its threats.

It's sad to think that as technology enhances, and with the in-depth knowledge that we have on substances and chemical reactions, we'd be more aware of its dangers and side effects, that we would prevent it from destroying the enviroment. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Deluded by power, pride and of course the root of all evil-MONEY. We seek happiness in these material things at the expense of the other living organism that we share this earth with. We should not forget that we are parasites. Raping earth of all her resources. But she won't take it anymore, the fury we have cumulated in her heart has exploded. She will wipe us out. Every blow she gives, thousands die....we can have the best safety equipment and be fully prepared for a natural disaster, but.... nature is unpredictable and there is nothing we can do. We can try and change our ways...our entire lifestyles....but the ways of man...convenience is always priority. I feel, it might just be too late...it's sad really, we destroyed our lifesource.

Well, aside from mother nature...

2) Self Destruction

We shall fight till sticks and stones!

Nuclear plants, reactors, weapons....wars....corruption....we're killing each other...all for what? Power? Pride? As time progresses, as we move into the new age...the age of information. Where knowledge and technology combine, creating a whole new level of complex homo sapiens. Yet, we still have the basic medieval ideology, kill, conquer. The quest for more power is never enough. As i write this, I am deeply saddened by the hurt that we humans are causing on to each other. WHY? Why would u do this? How can u not see the evilness in you're act? How can u not feel pain and remorse when u see someone else suffer?!?!? How can u be human, and yet be so inhumane!

People using religion to spread ideological beliefs. Religion as a tool for murder, a weapon of mass destruction. It sickens me and embarasses me to the core. How do you not see the evil...HOW!?!?!?! You claim u fear god but massacre thousands of innocent!?!!? I just don't get how people can be so evil. How can u have so much malice in your heart?! HOW! Using something so pure, to do something so repulsive. Religion to kill?!?!?!? Amazing...thus is the evolution of mankind. We shall kill each other, till we've destroyed all civilization and forms of democracy. Then, even after we have lost all our weapons and shelters, we shall lift stones and sticks, and fight to the death. Why? because....because what? When we are cut we all bleed...red, cut us,...we all feel pain. Then why? WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!?!?! This question perplexes me so much...can't u see...CAN'T U FREAKING SEEE!!

I'm tired, i'm off to sleep. I'm fed up. I'm sad. I feel useless. I wanna change the world. I want peace. I want love. I want people to open up their eyes to the true meaning of life.

2009-10-03T21:13:00.000-07:00

KEEP YOUR FEET GROUNDED GIRRLLL!!

There are moments in life that just lift you up so high in the clouds, that you lose all sense of realism. Everything seems peachy. You live in the perfect imaginary world
that even logic does not even exist. You think not of what the future holds and expect everything to just fall into place. I'm a very level headed, logic driven girl, and almost NEVER get caught in situations like this. I've seen what it does to people, and told myself...NNEEVVVAAAAAAHHH. But i guess it is inevitable to completely detach your heart from oneself. I mean who wouldn't like to run away from the harsh and scary reality just for a bit. Let's face it. It is much more easier to live in made up bliss than to face reality. Unfortunately for me, I dwelled there a little too long. The bouncing back to reality was a little bit harder than expected. Good news though, i'm getting there...almost back there actually :) . My life long buddies, LOGIC and SENSE, whom have always stopped me from getting myself entangled in this whirlpool of emotions have kicked back. Time to focus and prioritize logically. Back to that, something i'm very much familiar with.

This heart needs a rest, this year has seriously been a handful with too many shocks and blows. I'll give it a rest now. Numb all emotion maybe? That should help it. Distract it from everything else. Distraction is the key. It has worked all my life anyway.

2009-09-27T22:01:00.000-07:00

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO....US..

So...I've watched "He's just not that into you." ...good movie, but I have to say, the book is much much much better! It's awesome...it should be every women's bible! Honestly, I notice how, many of girl friends love to come up with excuses for the guys they are interested in when he does not call...etc etc etc. It is the WORST thing we can ever do! I mean....if a guys wants you, he'll do every thing in his power to be with you, cuz you're just that worth it to him. If that's not the case...move on to something better!

Relationships are suppose to make you feel good, happy, complete. NOT send you into a windy maze of perplexities enveloped in mixed signals. In the book Greg says "if he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs." SOOO AGREEE!!! Relationships are built on respect and mutual trust! How can it work if he does not respect you and your emotions. If he likes you, I don't think he'll put you through such pain!!!

Then, there is this excuse that always we girls love to believe...'He has not called cuz he's busy.' Well, this is wht Greg says:

-if he's not calling you, it's because you are NOT on his mind
-'busy' is another word for 'ass hole'. 'Ass hole' is another word for the guy you're dating.

I agreee with this! I look at my parents and I want what they have. My mom does not tell my dad to call her, but my dad....being so in love with my mom, would call her or msg her from work...just tell her how his day is goin and ask her about her day :) .

With technology, don't tell me he cant take 1 minute to msg you and see how you are! I think we're all worth it! We should not settle for crap just because it is better than nothing. We deserve much better, and I bet we can get much better:)

"When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes and hands off of you"-Greg
If he aint acting like this...I think its time we focused our energy else where!

I'm not done with the book yet though...but...i'm loving it!

2009-09-25T05:08:00.000-07:00

This is what i posted on facebook....

FACEBOOK EXPERIMENT - If you are reading this, whether we do or don't speak often, please post your first memory of you and me and when you've finished, post this paragraph as your own status. You'll be surprise what people remember...
8 hours ago · Comment · Like / Unlike · View Feedback (17)Hide feedback (17)

Mashal Riaz likes this.

Quist Chan Yu Yuin
I remembered the time when you approached me to talk about woman issues and how you were so passionate about it! I am really glad to have a friend like you my dear! Even though I am not there in Penang at the moment, hope that you would remember me too! Muaks and hugs!

Kevin Francis
I mistook you for another of Cheryl's friends and remember thinking at first glance, "Hmmm she looks different somehow. And a lot noisier too..."

Angel Karishma Kaur
When v first chat...n u were so nice to me..u interviewed me..haha..:D.. n i'm also happy 2 b friends with you...:D :D..*hugs & kisses*

Duncan Chan
Orientation day, first day of class. In b4 roleplay!

Wei Vern Hor
ECXC. "Man, this girl's loud." =)

Rohini Raj
LOL. I remember you in braids walking around on Sports Day in Std 4. You came to hang with us cos we were the only people who didn't bother to take part! :P ♥

Steven Razz
Hmmm. i remember it was December the 2nd. i was at ABN-Amro for the auditions to join in the multi arts programme. you had black hair and purple framed- glasses i think. funny freak. And i heard you singing It's the time to disco from kal ho na ho in malay. inilah masa untuk disco!

Steven Razz
december the 2nd in 2003... heheh KuchiBaba!!

Kane Azlan
Saw you walking in my dad's shop. You joined some star competition thingy. You looked at my dad and proceeded to go behind to the herbs section. My dad, with his intimidated face looked at me and said 'that woman can really talk la, lawyer's daughter wat'. I think he must've witnessed you indulging in some verbal argument with someone. LOL

Eugene Ong Jean Shing
somewhere in 2006 in kdu was introduced by alexis. That is all i could rmb.

Azreen H Yakuza
hopscotch near the canteen.

Natasya Halim
'My chemical romance' concert!!

Regina Ibrahim
owh lord i said, to myself, this gal is so brave to chat with me... normally lack of confident gal will avoid me.. and ur so kind to introduce me to all of ur gal friends... love the energy in u gal. always. never want u to be upset on anything...

ChawChern Wong
well well..first day finance class. with that woman with CRAZY eyes! i was saying to jimmy. cant this girl keep her mouth shut! u turned we kept quiet and i said hi :p somehow we started arguing over something and havent stopped since! lol

Sharon Xavier
You looked like a barrel of FUN!!!..

Natasha Khanum
I love all you guys!!!! :)

2009-09-24T20:02:00.000-07:00

Raindrops keep falling on my head

For once....I wish people would stop expecting so much from me....JUST STOP!!!! I am my own person...I need a break sometimes. I've got my fair share of insecurities, PMS-ing friends, people that i have no idea wht signals their giving and the list goes on! Studies! family...the works! Cut me some slack... PLEASE! I too have my fair share of days when i'm down. I can't be cheering every1 up! I need cheering up too sometimes.... I can't be the one solving everyone's problem...I've got my own problems too. I just wanna run...Just run...run nowhere...just run.

2009-09-20T03:58:00.000-07:00

It's EID! EID MUBARAQ EVERYONE!!!

Well..its more than half a year from my first 'soul-searching' post, and I have to say, I aint anywhere close to any answers. I sat there, in my room, waiting to fill my transfer form to Perth, I leave in 4 months. I'm excited! I REALLY AM! NEW LIFE! NEW RESPONSIBILITIES! THE CHANCE TO GROW UP AND MATURE! BRING ON THE WARRR! But at the same time, i'm conflicted...I have no idea what's going on. It's hillarious actually...if only I knew the problem...but I don't. It's this feeling inside....it's neither here nor there, neither happy nor sad....its a very perplexed feeling...one that I don't think any word has been invented for...numb? Yes...but not quite...

I have no clue what i want...what's my purpose...is this life wht i want? WHAT IF i chose a different direction...I mean...life..from this point on, will change drastically, nothing will be teh same again..I feel it...I know it. Change is good....but I don't wanna live with 'WHAT IF I...". I want to do everything but where do I begin! DAMNN....Maybe i'm just to guarded...afraid that if i fall..not even my loved ones have the ability to pick me up. For I trust me...and only me. We come to this world alone...we leave on our...It just You in the end, alone. Gosh... I dunno....it's so hard really.

How much more longer am I gonna be like this? 21-year old perplexed cokodok...haizz.
I help everyone with their problems. I'm on everyone's speed dial, but....I can't even help myself. Who do I call when I need answers. If only God received sms la....cis!

2009-09-11T02:24:00.000-07:00

So Shazwi, sent all of us a msg to Urge Najib To Act NOW Against Cow-Head Protestors. In my opinion, it is just a rellocation of a place of worship. We should be civilized and respect one another. Those protestors are NOT MUSLIM. They're act is not even close to ISLAM preaches. When i look at them, all I feel is Disgust, Sadness and Shame.

So anyway, this is how teh discussion goes.

Dzar 10 September at 14:41 Reply
how about jeff ooi...? how about one hindu who said that 5times azan a day sangat annoying...? ini tak menyentuh sensitivity islam kah..? why pick and choose only certain fraction to be taken action..? why not all..? kalau orang yang buat petition ni sincere dia akan campaign untuk tiga tiga golongan ni diambil tindakan.. shaz.. stop spreading this petitions.. go against them if possible! Mmg racist sungguh..

Shazwi Nabila 10 September at 14:59 Reply
y cant we be d bigger ppl in this? who cares if dey sed wutever they sed? y be ignorant??

as stated in surah Al-Anaam ayat 106-108. "Follow what is revealed to you from your Lord : there is no god but He : and withdraw from polytheists. And if Allah had pleased, they would not have set up others (with Him) and We have not appointed you a keeper over them, and you are not placed in charge of them. And do not abuse those whom they call upon besides Allah, lest exceeding the limits they should abuse Allah out of ignorance. Thus have We made fair seeming to every people their deeds; then to their Lord shall be their return, so He will inform them of what dey did."

Dzar 10 September at 15:16 Reply
look at the reasons why they been charged for.. sedition's.. so im talking about the reasons and the fractions that been charge.. clearly the AG's responds not based on that Ayat.. they never will.. unless if we're govern by PAS.. then it is possible action are taken based on what Al-Quran had taught us..

Ok now lets talk about using Quran as a reasons.. how about the fairness..? Keadilan dalam Islam adalah bukan konsep sama rata.. keadilan dalam Islam adalah meletakan sesuatu di tempatnya.. Islam menegaskan umatnya berlaku adil.. tapi bukan adil sahaja.. pada masa yang sama kesejahteraan.. you seriously think dengan wujud nya kuil baru.. membiarkan mereka bebas berkata kata mengutuk Islam akan mewujudkan kesejahteraan..?

Kalau nak practice Islam.. kena pastikan al-syumul wal Islam.. Islam secara total.. bukan choose and pick yang mana kita rasa sesuai.. sebab tu lah bala dok turun kat kita hari demi hari.. tengok apa jadi dekat UMNO sekarang.. sebab depa amalkan agama suku dunia suku la harini Allah nak tunjuk..

tapi u jangan salah faham pulak.. i tak kata i bersetuju dengan apa yang para protestant tu buat.. cuma i nak u tengok a bigger picture.. kalau u notice harini kita Islam diserang dari pelbagai suduh.. tapi nak buat mcm mana.. kita lemah.. kita tak berpegang kepada Islam yang tulen.. maka terima lah padahnya..

Natasha Khanum 10 September at 16:55
I think ur missing out on the bigger picture Dzarriff...its the muslims who are the biggest enemy of islam...they memalukan islam. Where do you see other races complaining. The muslims start it, u nak yang others buat apa...sit down and take it kah! i agree wif shazwi...we shud be the better than that!

Dzar 10 September at 17:24 Reply
Surah yang pertama selepas Ummul Kitab Al Fatihah dikenali sebagai Surah Al Baqarah. Surah Al Baqarah adalah surah yang membahagikn kategori manusia kepada 3 golongan. Pertama golongan beriman, yang menjadikan Al Quran sebagai petunjuk jalan kehidupan, yang meyakini perkara yang ghaib, mengerjakan solat dan mengeluarkan zakat.

Golongan kedua adalah golongan kafir-mereka yang secara terang menolak ketuhanan ALLAH dan mempertuhankan berhala, yang menjadikan manusia sebagai anak tuhan, yang menjadikan batu, kayu, lembu dan pelbagai haiwan dan lain-lain sebagai bahan sembahan.

Golongan ketiga dikenali sebagai golongan munafik, golongan yang nampak lahirnya macam Muslim. Mereka berjanggut serban, mereka melabel diri mereka Islam, tetapi merekalah golongan gunting dalam lipatan, golongan yang sebenarnya menghancurkan Islam. Mereka musuh dalam selimut, dan mereka ini lebih merbahaya daripada kafir kerana mereka berselindung dibalik serban dan janggut, mereka berhujjah menggunakan Al Quran. Mereka ini dila'nat ALLAH, dan tempat mereka didalam neraka wail, neraka yang paling bawah!

I think the fraction that you are referring to is the 3rd one Natasha. And i'm up for it 110% with u on this. But when u said, where do u see other races complaining, all i can say is..both you and me, we need to expend our readings.. almost impossible that u don't see this things happening.. The Muslims start what.. when and where..? If u r referring to the cow head protest, and u sincerely want justice then u ought to know that the usage of the cow head is not to discrete Hinduism.. it is merely an expression of anger by the peduduk towards the kebodohan Ketua Menteri Selangor. Mcm perpatah melayu selalu sebut, bodoh macam lembu.. not more than that..

The REAL CULPRITS are those who accuse cow head protester making a mockery of Hinduism!!!

Elya September at 02:25 Reply
Salam to those involved and been religiously responding your thoughts and views on this situation. Firstly, lets look at the the picture as a whole. its just some major communication breakdown and frustration among us all. We as Muslims should not act that way.

Yes, with all your quotes from the Quran may seem valid but we miss the whole point here, thats not how we react to the statements being made. The only reasons to why they said that was because they are frustrated too. And all of us who knows Islam to a certain point will also understand that the prophet would not have done it that way. We are supposed to respect their beliefs as long as we do not follow their ways but we have stooped low.

But lets not get into religion per se. We are all NOT PERFECT. What is the point of arguing with each other when the main problem is already clear here in this mini forum. We have to first see what is wrong with us. to correct such problems is to first look at ourselves and realize we arent perfect and we all have lil agendas that need settling.

So instead of saying i am right and you are wrong or you should look at this my way or his way or the cows way. I mean how would the cow feel. The cow provides for us as well do we hina the cow by shoving its head here and there?

Anyways instead of firing at each other lets save the ammunition and come up with solutions to go about this. By pointing fingers to this menteri or that person or this leader we arent doing anything to make the situation better. So lets all sit back relax and figure a way to be productive about this. We are the future for this nation this is our time to define change so such situations will hopefully not occur again.

Lets have peace, lets all calm down. nobody is wrong nor right we are all merely in the middle as we really did not know what transpired there and then. and the only reason why i am typing this shit long message is cause i dont even know why i was added in the first place as i dont know most of you.

Shazwi Nabila 11 September at 11:26 Reply
thank you elya!! i agree 100%! hv u read dis dzariff??

Dzar 11 September at 12:36 Reply
Yes shaz.. that friend of yours reason it quite well. But let me make it clear, my intention is not to point finger at anyone. Just that i wanna make it clear that the intention of the cow head protest was not meant to discrete Hinduism. It was meant for Khalid & Co, while emphasizing that the real culprits is the one that spin the whole thing, so that it will look as if the cow head protest was meant to discrete Hinduism. Yes of coz, we can chill taking it cool like u said so, but when u realize something is misleading people at large, i took the liberty to make it clear. Unfortunately disagreeing with some led to this lengthy discussion.

Elya 11 September at 15:14 Reply
Yes, pertinent point on explaining the fact that this whole thing got out of hand when people started understanding the whole cow thing wrongly. But then again Dzariff, think about this why would you want to protest with a cows head if there was no indication of pin pointing a sensitive part of the other religion. You mentioned that Islam is adil and sama rata and all that,very true i could not agree with you any less but for them to actually want to build a temple there means they own the land which we/anyone from Malaysia sold to them. Then how can we complain about them building what they want on what they own? You get what i am coming from? Fine it may be disruptive for us Muslims true but think of it this way? if it were you protesting would you have gone with the cows head or would you have used other more intellectual and less sensitive means to go about the situation?

Dzar 11 September at 15:48 Reply
As i said, they wanted to demonstrate their anger, in line with the pepatah saying 'bodoh mcm lembu, u cant expect them to carry kepala kerbau or anything else'. If someone rape my sister, i would definitely be furious, and i might acted beyond my limits, and that is not right. So the situation here are more or less the same, or shall i say worse, since it concern the religion instead of some individual. So its a bit illogical for you to expect them behave 'bersopan-santun'.

I'm sorry that i have to say this, but i just realize that u clearly not well aware of the real situation and you're merely making your own assumption when u mention "but for them to actually want to build a temple there means they own the land which we/anyone from Malaysia sold to them"

1) they do not own the land, it was owned by the state government
2) where do u learn that we can build anything that we want as long as we owned the land? Is not that simple.

And if it was me at their positions, i wouldn't go all break lose like that, i will take legal action. I will seek injunction and summon to stop Selangor state government from doing so.

Mengikut statistik, dalam negeri Selangor ada 4.3 juta penduduk. Daripada jumlah itu, majoritinya umat Islam sebanyak 2.5 juta dengan masjid hanya sebanyak 259 buah. Sebalik nya masyarakat Budha berjumlah 1.3 juta mempunyai 1,015 tokong. Kaum Hindu pulak, yang berjumlah 647,000 mempunyai 810 kuil berdaftar (ini tidak termasuk kuil yang haram dan tidak berdaftar!). Dan bagi 50,000 penganut Kristian di Selangor, cuba kira berapa jumlah gereja mereka! Malahan tuhan patung hindu yang terbesar didunia juga dok tersergam berdiri dalam negeri Selangor (ehsan daripada Kerajaan UMNo/ Be End dulu)! Itu pun umat Islam dikatakan masih tidak 'adil, masih tidak bertolak ansur!? - PKR MP

Natasha Khanum 11 September at 16:06
It is just a relocation of the temple! PLEASE!! Look....All they gonna do is pray...we as muslims SHOULD RESPECT THAT!
And all this statistics....how low can u go la? seriously! So what if they own more buildings! ITS JUST BUILDINGS!!! IT DOES NOT BECOME STRONGER BASED ON HOW MANY MASJIDS WE BUILD! Its intangible...you cant touch it....religion is personal...between you and god!

Elya 11 September at 16:13 Reply
Look Bro, this is getting a little personal and i do not appreciate that i mean let us be honest here. We as Muslims supposed to have this thing called kesabaran. If as i recall reading and understanding from reports cause i do work with MEDIA. These people yang protest were all orang yang pergi masjid. If so why are they acting this way. The keadilan comes to the point of reaction. We just buat malu kaum faham tak? kita semua educated kenapa nak berkelakuan macam ni? agak agak la kau nak argue pun. Kalau kau tak suka apa Shazwi hantar cakap kat dia lain kali i dont want to be included. Ini benda kecil kenapa nak jadi besar. Memang ada ketidakpuasan antara kaum atau penghuni di kawasan itu tetapi memang ada cara lain nak manangani masalah ini. Pendapat Shazwi, Natasha dan saya adalah sama. We are on the same wave length whereby we believe that that was just too extreme the way to protest. Statistics are what they are. True,fundamentals are it doesnt matter how many mosques you have or how little its how often you actually go to one and what u actually learn from it. i suggest this should stop,there is no point in this argument. So let her do what she wants and dont tell her what to do like to stop all these petitions its her choice and her belief ok?

Ramadhan ni bro tak guna kita bergaduh. kalau kau nak further cakap pasal ni message aku personally kita meet up and just exchange thoughts. wassalam

Dzar 11 September at 16:18 Reply
You're propagating respect, but you yourself do not demonstrate that. Yes of cause we need to respect them, who said bout disrespecting others when they wanna do their religious ceremony. If you talking about respect, u need to respect the people who lives there as well. Why pick only one group and show respect and ignore the other?

As for the stats just to show u that after all we're 'adil' since so many people accuse that the government being injustice towards certain fraction of the community. Total bull!

I respect when u have that thought of religion is personal and only between you and God. But hey, guess what? That is what u think, or at least your opinion and not mine. So u don't have to impose that idea of yours on me or others. By doing so, you might cross the boundary u know, ;) Now, that is something you SHOULD RESPECT i reckon.

Dzar 11 September at 16:21 Reply
Elya - bukan gaduh exchange thought saja.. will pm u..

Elya 11 September at 16:25 Reply
your writing tone does not indicate so. you just said not to impose a belief on to another but you have been doing that throughout. You send me a PM i as an intellect would like to have a sit down round table discussion with you. at least there the tone can be identified easier.

Dzar 11 September at 16:48 Reply
With that last reply from you Elya, I humbly excuse myself from this discussion. Sorry shaz and tasha for not singing the same song.. or dance according to the same tune..

~Make your own opinion. It just thoughts shared by a few muslims~

2009-08-02T00:05:00.000-07:00

Lady GAGA ROCKS.....

Thanx metti for showing this to me!

2009-07-21T04:44:00.001-07:00

??/**/##?!#*=.=

I'm really confused now. A lot of people are telling me a lot of things...I dunno hw I should act. I don't wanna let people get the wrong idea of me.... But some say my actions suggest something totally different....but I don't mean on doing that...its just...ME being me.....How should i act? Keep my guard up? Keep my distance? This sucks man....Why is it as u grow older...life just gets so complicated.....I'm a really easy going and naive person...i just don't see things that quick...cuz maybe i just don't believe that THAT would ever happen... adduhh..sakit kepala man! ahahha

2009-07-19T19:20:00.000-07:00

DID YOU KNOW....

NATASHA KHANUM IS A RED HEAD!!!

As usual, I had a sudden urge to change my look completely...cut it short and go red!! I'm on fire babeh!!!!!

2009-07-19T11:31:00.000-07:00

PENANG

Hey hey hey....god..its been so long since a blogged... a lot has happened.

First..it is penang's one year aniversarry being the custodians of the world heritage site! woohoo!! Of course a celebration was in order. So we had the usual formal ceremony at town hall, but somehow this year it was very relaxed.

Last year, Yu Jean and I hosted a little segment, and since it was a government event, we had to follow a lot of protocol. We had to sort of censor or speech during the rehearsals...and on the actual day blurt out what we really wanted to tell the CM. ahahah.....Sort of like 'kutuk'-ing them on what they are doing wrong..but presented in a less harsh, or a 'young people's wish' format. Yeahhh.....I remember, last year..even the very last minute before we left of...Janet Pillai, our Heritage Queen, was editing our speech! But we pulled through....ahahahha! GREAT TEAM!

BBBUUUTTT...this year i had to do it...ALONE! :(
However, as mentioned, it was much more relaxed, I came in the last minute, memorised my lil speech and that was it. Of course, CM didnt even pay attention to a thing i said...everyone was paying attention..EXCEPT CM! He was to busy whispering to some guy....I wanted to go "DEY MACHA!!! ... ahahah...boy... wouldn't that be fun!" I feel very strongly about out heritage, i may be a modern chick and all..but seriously, i grew up in georgetown.

Since I was a lil 13 years old kid, every school holidays i'd join every anak-anak kota project i could. I love it, the research , the compiling, meeting people, looking at cultural patterns, amazing!!! It has shaped me...it has made me who I am, I can't really tell you how or what exactly shaped me...but it kept me grounded... And to see precious buildings turn into hotel for tourist is just..arrgghh!

We got the world heritage title because of the living heritage, because of the people who are living in the inner-city. If we take them out of there, would we not lose what made us the world heritage site in the first place. Georgetown will be incomplete without its living heritage....without its people...it residents. That was basically what we we're trying to tell them, hope my 'wish list' to the Penang Government is taken seriously :)

2009-06-28T23:46:00.000-07:00

I'm still in shock MJ is dead. I mean, yeah i know people die, BUT I never saw MJ dying...EVER! I still don't believe it.

2009-06-17T18:53:00.000-07:00

I've Become So Numb

It's funny, this feeling inside. These past few days i've been feeling numb. Immune to all emotion, i feel nothing, empty. I'm turning 21, to think that i'd be excited, but instead i'm turning to depression. I have no idea what i'm doing. I'm 21 and I have achieved nothing, I feel so useless. I'm just going day by day, doing my usual things like a robot, with no passion or interest in any of it. I dunno where this emotion is coming from. My exams ended and after that I had a few days to think, and I over thought, and now i'm at the stage of total numbness.

2009-06-14T01:26:00.001-07:00

JOB SEARCH!

So exam have ended, and i've got a very loooooonng sem break till august. Instead of bumming around, I wanna get a job. Somehow, it seems almos impossible. I don't want to work at GSC again..or anything of that sort. Was thinking more of events company, promoting...something on that frequency....but take a look what i found.

JOB 1 Requirement:
Looking for In-store sampling promoters.
Job scope:1. attracting people.
2. giving out sample products
3. Explaining product knowledge
Requirements:
1. Female
2. Preferably chinese
3. Able to work individually, independantly
4. Puntual, responsible
5. UNIFORM PROVIDED

JOB 2 Requirment:
REQUIREMENT:
-CHINESE
-MALE OR FEMALE
-UNDERSTAND AND ABLE TO TALK IN CHINESE, MALAY, ENGLISH
-NOT UGLY
-AGGRESSIVE ON SALES
-ABLE TO WORK MIN 1 YEAR
-ON WEEKEND(FRI, SAT, SUN)
-SOMETIME NEED TO WORK FROM MONDAY TO SUNDAY IF NOT ENOUGH MAN POWER.
-THIS RECRUITMENT WILL BE USE ON PC FAIR AS WELL

I'm gonna stop to paste now..but there's a lot more where that came from... u get the idea. What does race and how ugly i am have to do with my ability to work.. tsk tsk..I...I don't even knw wht to say anymore. I give up... no comments.

2009-05-24T04:56:00.000-07:00

You know you have studied too much when:

Number 1: You take mini naps between ur studies and have dreams of you studying!!!

Number 2: You go to gym and give the receptionist your house keys instead of ur MEMBERSHIP CARD!!!

Number 3: You pour yourself a juice in a BOWWWLLL!!!!! WTF!!!

Pray I survive this sem!!!

2009-04-29T07:01:00.000-07:00

Mom is home. Finally :) It's all normal again.

2009-04-25T06:07:00.001-07:00

Road to Recovery

Today marks the 4th day my mom has been in the hospital and the second day in the ICU. My heart breaks everytime i have to kiss my mom goodbye, it breaks to see her in so much pain, my god, i feel so helpless, i can't do anything. Even the Doctors are clueless as to what is going on.

Mom got admitted into adventist hospital on Wednesday morning when she started to vomit blood. Doctor suspected viral fever or maybe dengue but they we're not sure. Blood test indicated negative for dengue.

After 2 days in adventist, Doctor still could not put her finger on what was wrong, referred mom to 'infectious diseases unit' at the general hospital. God i hate the GH, it gives me a very depressed, gloomy feeling. I used to visit an aunty with cancer there and she passed on, so it brings bad memories and feelings.

Within a few hours, mom began to have difficulty breathing. The GH transferred her to the ICU for close observation, the Doctor suspects its dengue(this was friday), then today, her fever which she had since last friday has not come down, so dengue most probably has been ruled out. They're still not sure what it is. Mom's liver is inflamed, but thank god it's getting better. The problem now is that her lungs, and throat are infected and she can't even talk. She's got water in her lungs, Pneumonia, but she also has symptoms of dengue or a viral fever.

I try to cheer her up, but mom is so down, staying at the ICU at GH is terrible.Honey, Dad and I have been rushing in and out of the ICU everyday as much as we can. We're there at 8am, we leave at 9pm. Visiting hours are so short but any chance we get, we're by mom's side. We're practically camping outside the ICU.

We've been going back to a house that does not feel like home. I just realised Home is where my mom is. I'm so stressed right now, my heart is so heavy. None of us had anytime to react emotionally, it was one giant roller coaster and still is. I miss my mom so much it hurts, it breaks my heart. I've remained strong through out this whole thing and will have to continue to remain strong, for honey's sake, dad's sake and of course mom's sake.

For all of my friends that have been msging and calling , thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. Mom will recover soon.

2009-04-03T01:48:00.000-07:00

Oh where oh where has Natasha gone? oh where oh where can she be???

Well, I tell you one thing...SHE'S back! =D I had the craziest 2 months of my life! INSANE!! NO breathing room, no chocolates and no ice cream...YES people...i did not eat chocs and ice cream for 2 freaking months!!! No...i was not doing some wacky diet, I had joined to be a dancer for a performance called 'Manimal Day'. It is more of an abstract experimental movement piece.

FIRST, I WANNA THANK EVERYONE WHO CAME AND SUPPORTED THE SHOW! SERIOUSLY! IT MEANS SO MUCH TO FAMILY AND FRIENDS APPRECIATE AND SUPPORT MY PASSION. SO A BIG THANX TO YOU GUYS!!

The show was directed by Kent Tan, and he had very intense trainning lined up for us. Example, imagine holding a position for more than half an hour - no moving, fixed, static at that position (this is just the simple part of the training). Try walking one whole round around youth park on all fours-it hurts like hell..oh yeah...bare-footed. We had rehearsals every friday, sat and sunday, 6 hours of training. One word...PAIN....its been one week frm the day of the show...and the skin underneath my foot are still pealing...i can't wear sportshoes!! i hv not hiked in 2 weeks! :(

Training has been an extremely tiring and mentally exhausting one. Every rehearsal begins with the usual warm up and stretches, but with VEERRYYYY SLLOOOWWWW movements so you feel every single minor or major muscle in your body. It hurts like hell but we need to control, the mind will tell you it hurts, but we control our body, we can chose to give in or go on. How many times I wanted to yell "I QUIT!!!" Pain and discomfort always causes me to lose focus.

Even a simple movement like walking, when decreased in speed, hurts! It is amazing at the amount of muscles that work just for a single movement. You can feel every inch of your body when you SLOW DOWN. These exercise have definately made me more aware of my body! Many times i was like "DUDE! you mean there's a muscle there! OMG! I've never felt pain there!"

One of the objectives of Kent was for us to break from our usual norms and go beyond our comfort zone- trust me, he achieved it allright, i did not feel comfy with any of the movements....i was in constant pain!

He wanted us to not use the direct approach to express emotions, but to express emotions using alternative movements. For example, anger, if I were to express anger, I’d use big loud angry heavy aggressive movements; HOWEVER, that is a direct approach. It is possible that a simple or small movement can be used to show anger. How? Well, that is the problem I faced. Breaking free from the norm is easier said than then done. It takes a lot of experimentation.

We had to do lots of presentations....lots based on 3 'poems' he had return. Deep, he never interpreted the poems for us...till today...he wants us to do and act and feel the emotion based on
our own understanding. I'll post the poems soon.

The training was very hard on me. Being the ONLY GIRL, I did not have as much stamina as the guys did, which is quite a bummer. I could not jump high enough or run fast enough. DAMN! and seriously, i thought i was really active and strong....it's time to kick up the intensity in gym! Well, i have to admit,honestly, i gave it my 100%. I dunno how i look performing, but as long as i knw i placed my heart and sole on stage, it's good enough for me. :)

More info and pictures, check out this link: http://manimalday.blogspot.com/ The pictures, i proudly say....are wicked!

Here are some photos taken by Honey:

2009-02-17T18:06:00.000-08:00

What's Going on?

We're now in the age of information, the age of technology. Human thoughts and mental stimulation has increased tremendously. We have immense amount of capabilities that were thought as impossible back in the days. HOWEVER, we are not progressing as a nation of the world. Everywhere, in every continent, we humans, probably being the only species that kill each other on a daily basis. It's insane. Every time I watch the news, Tamil Tigers, Taliban, Israelis, police, military, weapons, bombs, pirates....are all I hear. People are dying for causes so irrational. We have no compassion for each other.

Tamil tigers have taken civilians hostage, and are using them as SHIELDS.
Have you no value of human life?

Pakistan and Taliban are working together to impliment Shariah Law.
In this modern age of forensic science, do you still need Shariah Law?
In this modern age, with the existence of proper lawyers, police and other authorities...do you still need this Law?
I fear for the women, personally I feel Islam is intepreted and practised as a pro-men religion.

Israelis and Palestinians conflict.
When is this ever going to end?

China milk scandal.
Was it worth taking lives of children in order to gain a bit more profit?
Is money really everything?

The reality of this is that we are in the age of selfish, mindless, heartless homo-sapiens who play God. No one has the right to decide who lives and who dies.

2009-02-04T06:30:00.000-08:00

As V'Day approaches, this is what happens to two single gals

~Natasha Khanum~ says:
catrina..will u be my valentine

Catrina says:
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Catrina says:
i got askeddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Catrina says:
woop woopppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

Catrina says:
cannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

~Natasha Khanum~ says:
m gonna do a proposal on facebook

Catrina says:
i kill you

~Natasha Khanum~says:
going

Catrina says:
oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

~Natasha Khanum~says:
asked..u better reply

Catrina says:
hello then if someone want to ask us out on dates

Catrina says:
they think we gay

~Natasha Khanum~ says:
woopps..oh well...

~Natasha Khanum~says:
asked dee

Catrina says:
then gone.....no freee drinks

Catrina says:
hahahahhha

~Natasha Khanum~says:
they like lesbian action..we might get more drinks

Catrina says:
wonky mannnn...bloody kinky

~Natasha Khanum~ says:
no rpley ah...this is how u treat our frenship..phui!

Catrina says:
waitlaaaaaaaa

Catrina says:
doing now

Catrina says:
demanding just like a male

~Natasha Khanum~says:
we knw who wears the pants here..

Catrina says:
or who thinks she wears the pants

Catrina says:
hahahha

~Natasha Khanum~says:
purple pants mind u

Catrina says:
..ummm mc hammer style?

~Natasha Khanum~says:
can't touch this....STOP! its hammer time...

~Natasha Khanum~ says:
no wait...STOP! Its Valentine!

~Natasha Khanum~says:
ahahah..kinda fits no

Catrina says:
oui oui

~Natasha Khanum~says:
oui oui...valentine n french...a bit to lovey dovey for me

Catrina says:
y eahhhh...hahahha...overdose..hmmm..at least we got chocolates..hahah

~Natasha Khanum~says:
we got chocolates

~Natasha Khanum~says:
oooo

Catrina says:
ehhh oink oink

Catrina says:
we must we must

~Natasha Khanum~says:
okie...

~Natasha Khanum~says:
done...

The Opening

2009-02-01T01:02:00.001-08:00

A new blog, New Year, a fresh new start. Hopefully from this point on, there shall be no more mishaps, pain or any stupid decisions. I don't want to make the same mistakes I made in the past. I don't want to hurt anyone or get hurt. Life's to short to only feel pain. Currently I'm in this phase where by I'm present, but my mind is not. I've no idea what I want out of my life, or even what's my purpose. I'm not sure if I'm in the right field. I'm not sure if I should act the way I act, do what I do, think what I speak. If I die, have I done the things I wanted to do, what are the things that I wanna do? Live life to the fullest, how? What really makes me happy? Do I really feel happy or i'm feeling happy because...well I should feel happy, so I do? I give so many people hope and confidence, why do I leave none for me? Why do I have a group of such amazing friends, and while standing with them, feel so alone? All these questions, these emotions, these thoughts, these feelings...It's scaring me. I don't have the answer. Where do I begin to look?

I can't talk to anyone because I myself don't know what is wrong. If I know the problem, I would be able to find a solution, but alas...I do not. Reading back, I may sound like a depressed person, but hell I aint, at least i don't think so. I just want more...I want to understand me. It's a phase...a very annoying one I have to say. This phase is causing me a lot of slepless nights. I have always been the girl that lives in the now, but recently, this phase leaves me thinking bout my past regrets and future fears.I want 2009 to be the year where I find myself. Who is Natasha Khanum and what does she really want in this life?

Wish me luck....